I had to go down to IWU last week for work, and to do some training with the lady that is taking my place. I like her a lot, and think she will do a GREAT job. I was skeptical before I went down, and completely confident in her when I left.
But I have to be honest, it was really tough. So many emotions were going through me that first day...and I was really struggling, even though I am at peace about what God is doing. I know that sounds like a contradiction, but even though my head knows one thing, my emotions are normal and just take longer to catch up. I don't think that is a bad thing...
What is next in my life? What direction does God want to take me? Why did this have to happen?!? I felt betrayed, and hurt, and frustrated all at the same time. I felt like the whole situation could have been handled so much better, and I was fighting the bitterness and anger that could have easily taken over my heart.
As I was talking to my sister about all this, she asked me if I felt like God was asking me to stay at home, and I kind of froze. God woulnd't do that to me, would He?!? I couldn't handle it. I would hate it. I would go completely CRAZY.
But then I thought back to when I started leading music at Main Street. I HATED it. I wasn't comfortable. I wasn't good. And I felt like a failure. But I stepped out in faith, one Sunday at a time, and soon God brought me joy and confidence, and it has made me a much better singer because of it. I became comfortable singing in front of people and leading music. Not that I liked it, but I knew that was what God wanted me to do, and so I felt at peace about the whole thing. I learned to trust.
And I have kind of come to the conclusion, that maybe God wants me to be home for a "short" season of my life. Maybe He wants to work on my heart and change my attitude toward my kids. Maybe He wants Stephen and I to find the balance of church and family, which is something that has been difficult since we have moved here. Maybe God wants to take something very uncomfortable - staying at home all day with the kids - and slowly over time make it something that brings me joy.
And maybe not. Maybe He does have a job lined up for me. But no matter what, I think God wants me to be ready to accept whatever plans He brings my way - and to trust Him. And that is easier said than done.
6 years ago
3 comments:
I feel like those two middle paragraphs could have easily been written by me too!! I know our situations are different but in some ways the same! I totally get the disappointment but believing that it's God's will at the same time!!
Lately, I feel as if God is saying "Give it to me...I can handle it" (The "it" being disappointment) I have never been one to blame God or even question God because I totally believe that he is sovereign and in control! So with this situation... I still believe those things but I still can't help being disappointed and at first i thought that was a bad thing to have those feelings. But I really think that it is okay to feel those feelings because you can still believe that he is control!
Anyways, that may not not made too much sense but I do feel like I get what you are saying!! Enjoy this "short" season in your life and see where God takes you!!
I'm glad you are choosing courage! :)
Hey, I'm sorry it's a bit rough right now. I agree, whatever is best for you to grow in life will be provided even though you can't see the big picture. For what it's worth, I think being a stay at home mom is the noblest profession a woman can have. I understand that financially some families can't do that, or due to health issues or whatever, but if that's the road you're being led to - I fully support it and will keep you in my prayers! It's interesting though, because that's all I've ever wanted to do and now that I'm so close (we're going to have a baby in May) this economy stinks and out of necessity someday I may have to work out of the home which would just break my heart. We're all being tested in various ways outside of our comfort zone - but I'm sure we'll pass :)
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