The Great Debate

I feel like I am in such a strange place in my life. I feel like I am going through some sort of midlife crisis about 15 years early. And having to be home instead of work is just a small part of it right now.

I found out almost a month ago that I am having some pretty serious problems with my thyroid...which I think started with my pregnancy with Damaris (which was just ridiculously awful from start to finish and has caused so many other issues ever since) and has just really accelerated (maybe due to stress of moving and losing my job?) in the last several months. At first I was like, no big deal, we can deal with this and move on - but I am really starting to see how it is effecting almost every part of my life.

I lost one of my contacts Sunday night - mainly because I have to pop them out of my eye and when my eyes are especially dry they tend to bounce out of my hand. This is normally not a big deal because they are rigid gas permeable contacts and even though they are small, I can normally find them because they are slightly tinted. But for the first time in 15 years of wearing contacts I can't find it anywhere - digging through the trash and taking a bobby pin to the base of the sick on the floor, Stephen and I both on our hands and knees looking everywhere in that bathroom.

At first I was upset because here we are with little money and now I need to pay for an exam AND a new contact, which is going to cost me almost $200 because I am just 2 months shy of being able to get new contacts so insurance won't pay. SO FRUSTRATING. But then I realized that just a couple days before I was done at IWU all employees got money into our new health savings accounts, and so I won't have to pay out of pocket for this expense. SO THANKFUL.

And then I find out that my right eye is really messed up - drastically changed prescription in less than a year and my astigmatism is getting worse - which doesn't make sense because that is why I wear hard contacts in the first place - because it flattens out my astigmatism and keeps my prescription almost exactly the same. The eye doctor thinks this is all related to my thyroid.

I was frustrated (on top of already being frustrated with my thyroid) - why did I have to lose my left contact when my right contact has changed so much?!? And then I went back to being relieved because if it was the right contact that I had lost, then lets say 3 months later when my thyroid (hopefully) is back to normal, my perscription would most likely change AGAIN. I don't want to have to keep paying for contacts I don't need and should last me 4-6 years.

So now I have to wear my glasses for a week until my contact comes in - and I can hardly see a thing and my eyesight is just getting worse every day I can't wear contacts - because that's what keeps my eyes the same. Sigh.

Is this the old saying "when it rains, it pours"? Can anything else go wrong?!? Don't answer that...

I feel like I am in some sort of midlife crisis because especially with these new trials, I am frustrated, moody, and feel like my life is spinning out of control. I keep battling in my mind about the whole staying home thing - on one side, it is nice setting my own schedule, not having to go anywhere, and I can tell already that even though I have frustrating moments during the day, I am still less stressed by the end when I am putting the kids to bed. I can really see how I am SLOWLY getting more patience. I think: I COULD DO THIS. And then I go back to the thought of wanting to work, missing work, and feeling like I should not stop pursuing that. But then I go back to: but I had almost 18 days of vacation and lots of sick time at IWU. I will never find a job that starts me out with that much time off. Can I really handle feeling tied down to a job where I have to work 10 years and I STILL might not get that much time away??? Do I really want to go back to hardly being home?!? But then I go back AGAIN to: but being home is hard - good or bad days, it doesn't matter. I am sick of not being able to have uninterrupted time - even my meager one hour a day is rarely completely uninterrupted. On the flip side, we hope to have Titus in preschool this fall, so that would help. And being at home allows for so much more flexibility and freedom - which is totally me. How can I have both worlds?!?

This is my "crisis". I know, some of you are laughing or some may even be frustrated with me for even thinking what I am going through is that bad. But I just wanted to be honest here with where I am - in a big heap of "I have no idea what is going on with my life and my body and I just want to settle into a new "NORMAL" - whatever that means. But I can't because I have no idea what to do."

Sigh.

This is just a phase. I will get over this and be fine...God is good and HIS plan is perfect. I just (still) need to learn to trust and let go of MY plans.

Now if I can just make it to "trusting" SANE :) :) :)