Busy Days

This is a LONG post, so I hope you have a while to look at pictures and read... :)

Friday we left for a Leadership Retreat for those in charge of ministries at the church, as well as their spouses. Here are some pictures and videos of our time in Manton, at the North Michigan District Campground (I loved the Conference Center there!!!).

Lesson about pulling together and working as a team


Team building games - playing Tank and Driver with Nerf guns


The person with the gun had to keep their eyes shut, and their partner had to direct them (without touching them) to take out the other "tanks"


"A little to you left..."


Cooking breakfast...


Cleaning up...


Hanging Out


Talking


Silly games


A teammate told me I didn't have a chance (you were spun around and then each person had to figure out where to go and touch the opposing team's wall) - so I had to prove him wrong and I won :)


Time to spin...


Teaching us the real point of the game...


Doing flips together...


Landing didn't go too well, though!


You will have to see the video below to really see what this picture is about :)


Trying to go backwards until the pole touched the ground...


Our juggler at it again :) :)


I think we were all a little tired!


It was their 34th anniversary!!


Rolling around in the inner tube - Stephen said it is harder than Cornelius makes it look!


The video of the guys rolling around in the inner tube - see picture above

I think this video will speak for itself - it cracked me up!!!
(It was only in the 30's outside!!)

We had a great time studying Andrew Murray's book Humility which you may remember me talking about before several months ago. Great lessons that really challenge me every time I read his work. The whole retreat was seriously just fun and goofy, no bad attitudes whatsoever, and just an all around AMAZING time of fellowship! We ended by the Assistant Pastor "taking over" and having everyone there pray for Stephen and I and our ministry. It was so humbling, and so appreciated at the same time.

I think this weekend was a start to other things God wanted me to see...

But I have to back up first. No one really knows about my spiritual "journey" the past 10 or so years. Only about 2 people knew up until recently, which then expanded to 4. So to put this on my blog for the whole world to see is pretty vulnerable, but I feel like maybe others who can relate to my situation will be encouraged by my testimony.

When Stephen and I were struggling to stay pure for each other before we were married (which I have mentioned before on our blog a while ago), when we did get married I really struggled with forgiving myself and moving on. I didn't feel like God forgave me, and I couldn't get past my failures. Our first year of marriage was TERRIBLE. We didn't have any money because Stephen lost his job, I was working the maximum hours allowed for students as I was a full time student trying to finish up my last year at IWU.

We found out after a year of being married, that Stephen had memory problems that caused a LOT of issues that I won't go into, and our marriage seriously suffered. I completely pulled away from God. I blamed Him for abandoning us. For punishing me for my past mistakes (at least I perceived it that way). I was cold and my heart hardened and I stopped reading my Bible, praying, and trusting God.

Soon I realized that so much of this stemmed from my inability to forgive myself and blaming God instead of seeing these trials as chances to grow closer to Him. Through counseling I learned to forgive myself and have a better relationship with Stephen. I changed my prayer to acceptance of Stephen's issues with his memory instead of begging God to take it away - which put so much trust back into our marriage that was lacking.

But I still felt empty. I felt like I was missing God and didn't know why. I tried to read the Bible and pray again. But I felt like I still just didn't get it. I honestly felt like God didn't want me. Because I felt like He was keeping my heart hard, and that He was purposely keeping me from understanding. I know that this is all ridiculous, but it is how I felt. I trusted God, I knew that He was in control, I never doubted that Jesus was alive and died and rose again to save me from my sins. But I still felt like I was on the outside, looking in, and missing the whole thing. And I didn't know what to do about it. I thought that moving up here and getting a fresh start, getting involved in an emotional, non-traditional church would help me. But I still felt lost and just didn't "get" it. I kept going through the motions just because I didn't know what else to do.

I simply wanted to FEEL God, feel like He was there, feel like He wanted me, even though logically I knew that these things were true regardless of my feelings. I told one of my friends that I felt like I had accepted God's forgiveness a while ago, but I needed to be RESTORED. I needed to let go and allow Him to do that, but I didn't think I was ready at that time.

Then yesterday I was singing on the praise team, and during practice I was tired, not singing well, and just felt discouraged about the whole thing. Thankfully, things clicked as we started first service. Halfway through the songs, I suddenly felt like God was ever so quietly "speaking" to me, reassuring me of His love, and that He hadn't gone anywhere. Then during second service when we were singing the songs again, it was like I could feel an outpouring of God's love - and I slowly felt the walls in my heart melting away. I felt like I was free and I could feel tears in my eyes (if I was an emotional person, I probably would have been sobbing).

The song was Potter's Hand, and some of the words that really spoke to my heart were, "you gently call me into your presence, guiding me by your Holy Spirit. Teach me dear Lord, to live all of my life through your eyes. I'm captured by your Holy calling. Set me apart, I know you're drawing me to yourself. Lead me Lord, I pray." And for the first time in YEARS I truly worshiped.

I felt restored all in these few minutes.

This morning, for the first time in months I read verses in the Bible because I WANTED to; I prayed because I WANTED to - not out of obligation. And it felt good. I know that Satan will attack. I know that I can't "feel" God all the time - because even though He is a God of feelings, my human emotions are faulty, and regardless of what I am feeling, God is still God and nothing changes that. I have no idea what this next chapter of my life will look like - I will still be "me" but I know that I need to be conscious of keeping my heart soft - like clay - for The Potter's hand.

I think this weekend's change in my heart was so many things leading up to this moment - moving up here, losing my job, reading this book on Contentment and posting each week, having time and growing in my role as a mother, learning to enjoy things that I thought I would hate, fasting from desserts for Lent (which is still VERY VERY VERY hard for me), coming to a place of surrender on the whole interview and job situation of last week, a whole weekend of really connecting with people for the first time at our church, talking about humility and what that means in so many areas of my life, having several days without the kids so that I could actually THINK, and finally - singing, specifically on the praise team yesterday so that the songs could really pierce my heart.

God has been faithful, even when I haven't been. He has not moved - I did. He was there, but I wasn't willing to soften my heart - I wasn't willing to open my eyes. I wasn't ready to be restored, but I am now. And I am excited about this journey.

I think this whole weekend prepared me for the phone call I received today...

Verizon called me back and offered me the job.

I mentioned that the last piece was the salary, and even though that may seem materialistic, I was more than willing to stay home if it was not enough because I WANT to be at home if that is where God wants me right now. My sister suggested that maybe I should be like Gideon in the Bible and think of the salary as my "fleece" - and really pray in faith that if God wants me to take this job, that He would clearly show me with the salary - and He did - above what I was expecting. I still am waiting and praying some more, to make sure that this is the right decision - but I am leaning toward taking it. The more I have talked about this job, the more excited I have become, and I really wanted God to guard my heart if it should be otherwise. It is a tough decision - but even if I take it, I won't start for another month, so it will give me the time I need to prepare myself.

So much change in the last year, and in the past few days especially, but it has been GOOD. I know that God has prepared me to go forward and serve Him - whatever that means. And I am stepping out in faith, saying as Isaiah did, "Here I am Lord, send me."

I wanted to leave you with some verses that really touched me today in my devotions:

Psalm 52:10 - Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Psalm 23:3 - He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

Romans 15:13 - May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Job 22:23 -If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored: If you remove wickedness far from your tent

Psalm 51:12 - Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Psalm 71:20 - Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.