Respect

God doesn’t command a wife to feel respectful toward her husband. She is to be respectful. Her responsibility is to obey God; not her feelings.
Cyndie Hamley
10 Steps Towards Respecting Your Husband

Ephesians 5:22-33
[emphasis below is mine]
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Can I be honest here???

Several months ago I was really convicted about submitting - still not great at it, but trying to get better. And now I have been convicted of something else I need to work on...I have been a pretty lousy wife when it comes to respect. Some days/weeks are better than others, but as a whole, I really have been very disrespectful to Stephen. Some of my good qualities can become rather horrid, ugly, marriage-shattering bad habits. I am independent, organized, and keep things in line and under control at work. I like my home organized and in order and in control too...which is fine, but when that starts spilling over to people in my life - specifically Stephen...NOT good.

I decided to look at some definitions...and here is what I found:

Control
–verb (used with object)

1. to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.
2. to hold in check; curb: to control a horse; to control one's emotions.
   

–noun

1. the act or power of controlling; regulation; domination or command
2. the situation of being under the regulation, domination, or command of another
3. check or restraint
   

Submit
–verb

1. to yield oneself to the power or authority of another
2. to allow oneself to be subjected to some kind of treatment
3. to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision, etc.
   

I really didn't like these two words when I read the definitions. I hate being a controlling wife/person, and like I said, I am working on submission.

Since respect is what I have been recently convicted of, I looked up that definition too:

Respect
–noun

1. esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability
2. deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment
3. the condition of being esteemed or honored
4. favor or partiality
   

For me, I think my issue with respect comes down to trust. I need to trust Stephen to lead our home - I WANT him to lead our home. At least, I say I do, but what about actually DOING it? Do I SHOW him that I trust him?

Trust
–noun

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.
3. a person on whom or thing on which one relies.
   
4. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.
5. the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed.
   

I really like the second definition...hope. Confident expectation.

How do I reassure Stephen (and myself!!) that failure is OK, and that leading doesn't mean doing everything perfectly? What a huge weight off my shoulders if I would just learn to back off and stop trying to control everything and TRUST! And both of us would be happier because of it - this seems win/win to me!

I know this seems circular, but I think a lot of these questions can be answered in one word: RESPECT. By showing respect to Stephen at a whole new level will bring about so much in our marriage - trust, love, hope, unity, peace...

I read this by Nancy Anderson:
We women are very good at pointing out our husbands’ faults and failures and punishing them for not meeting our needs, but that only leads to discontent and distance in our marriages. We all know that yelling, nagging, and belittling are disrespectful and ineffective. So I’m suggesting a radical concept: Treat him like a king, and eventually, he will begin to treat you like a queen.

She came up with an acronym on how to respect him and treat him like a VIP.

V - Verbally.

• Cut out (ok… cut back) complaining and add in compliments.
• If you want to have a peaceful, happy marriage, learn the art of the compliment. Compliments are like magnets and the more you compliment your husband the more he will be attracted to you. Begin to notice when he does it right and verbally encourage him by complimenting him at least once a day.
• If you are having a hard time thinking of anything to admire, consider these categories: physical traits, mental skills, financial strengths, spiritual growth, or healthy relationships with others (children, parents, or friends).
• You may be asking “Hey, why should I compliment him when he NEVER compliments me?” It’s because, if you want your marriage to grow and bloom, you’ll have to water it with kindness and encouragement. Then, as he sees your sincere efforts, he will begin to change too. Don’t give up.
• If you do need to bring up a difficult issue, place it between two compliments, also known as a “Compliment Sandwich.” Here’s an example, “Honey, I know how hard you work for our money and that Sally’s braces will be expensive, but I need your decision before her appointment tomorrow. I hope we can do this for her, but if you want to wait, I trust your judgment. What should I tell the orthodontist?”

I - Intellectually.

• Men like to solve problems and fix things. So appeal to his intelligence by asking him to help you solve a problem. Instead of saying “This garage is a mess, clean up your camping stuff!” Try, “I’d like your help with something. Could you figure out a storage system for all the camping supplies?”
• Don’t imply that he isn’t smart. Instead of saying “I think you are wrong about…” Say, “I’m confused about… please explain it again” (Remember to keep your tone of voice sarcasm-free.)
• Request his help on Spiritual matters too. Ask him to explain a passage of Scripture or ask him to pray for you when you are going through a difficult time. If your husband is not the spiritual leader in your home, continue to pray for him and ask him if there is anything you are doing that is hindering his relationship with God.
• Men don’t give a lot of weight to feelings—show them facts and they’ll be more likely to listen. For example: if he wants to buy a car that you think is too expensive, don’t launch into a hissy-fit, write out your monthly expenses and ask him what other things should be cut out in order to buy his car. Let the facts speak for you.
• When you cannot reach an agreement, instead of trying to wear him down by nagging or crying say, “Is that your final decision or can I still try to convince you?” If it’s his final decision, then honor it. It’s freeing—let him carry the responsibility of your family.
  

P - Physically.

• Physically ask what he would like you to do and then, do it. Find out what his top three needs are. Ron likes the laundry done, sex a least twice a week (guaranteed!) and he likes me to keep my “girly-make-up stuff” off of the bathroom counter. If these top needs are met, he’s content and easy to get along with. I know it sounds simple, but each of us have different things that make us feel loved and appreciated. You won’t know what he wants unless you ask him.

Nancy and her husband travel and talk to groups for marriage conference and such, and their website is actually where I read this article Nancy wrote. Their website also has 100 ways to love each other...the list for loving your husband is here.

I also read a little article by Laura Doyle, who wrote a book called "The Surrendered Wife". Some people shudder at a title like that, and she states this isn't some anti-feminine, doormat mentality book. She said the main points of her book are about recognizing these things:

• When you control your husband, you demean him, which causes him to doubt himself.
• When you nag and criticize your husband, you squash intimacy in your marriage.
• If you want emotional connection with your man, you must give up trying to run his life.
• Your husband wants to make you happy, but he can't if you tell him what to do and how to do it.
  

I think in the end, a lot comes down to meeting the basic desires of our heart. Women very much want love and men very much want respect (hmmm, so God knew something when He wrote the Bible...). So the way I can feel loved the most is when I am respecting and submitting to my husband.

Love
–noun

• a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
• a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
• a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
• affectionate concern for the well-being of others.
  

–verb (used with object)

• to have love or affection for.
• to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
• to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in.

—Idioms

• for love, a) out of affection or liking; for pleasure and b) without compensation; gratuitously
• in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion
• in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored

I feel guilty that it seems I am always the one with issues in our marriage. And there is probably very good reason for my guilt!! Stephen doesn't bad-mouth me. He doesn't make me feel like a bad wife, or disrespect me...he loves me and tells me that frequently. He is constantly encouraging me and has so many great qualities that I too quickly overlook in the midst of my petty frustrations. And good grief, if he can love me when I am terrible to him, when I am controlling and disrespectful, when I nag and complain...well, it's about time I step up and do something about my crappy attitude...because neither one of us is perfect, and I want to love him in spite of everything ugly in our lives.

A lot of marriages don't make it, some people have affairs (and maybe their affair is with work and not another person!), and others stay together but it seems like they struggle, argue and it just doesn't work. And I could be very wrong, but I think a lot of these issues come down to men not loving their wives, and women not submitting and disrespecting their husbands. I don't want to become one of those statistics. I want to have a happy, vibrant, healthy marriage! Stephen is my best friend and is with me every step of the way - so why not make these fleeting years together as awesome as possible?!?

Here are some things I want to do differently...and, you know, since Stephen reads this blog, and all of YOU are reading it...there is quite a bit of accountability here... :)

• I want to learn to control my tongue instead of Stephen.
• I need to practice how I talk - a simple adjustment to the tone of my voice or how I word things can go a long way.
• I want to work on trusting his judgement and knowing it is OK if he fails.
• I always said I would never bad-mouth Stephen to other people/in public...but lately I feel like I have been more negative toward Stephen. I need to be careful what I say in front of other people, especially our kids.
  
• I need to turn any negative thoughts into positive things and list what I am THANKFUL for instead of what I am frustrated with.
• I want to truly step back and let him LEAD - which means I definitely need to keep my mouth shut in the midst of failure, and instead show love and encouragement.
  

And, bottom line...whether or not my husband deserves it at the moment, it doesn't matter. The quote I had at the beginning takes it right to the point: my responsibility as a wife is to obey GOD, not my feelings. And God tells us as women to respect and submit to our husbands, and if I choose to turn away from that command and disobey God, well, according to SEVERAL verses in the Bible - that is sin. And I am saturated in it and ashamed of my behavior.

I am sure Jesus didn't feel like dying on the cross...but I am overwhelming thankful He chose to do it. Thankful that my sins are forgiven, and that He will give me the strength to make these changes in my life.