My Dilema

Just as a disclaimer – if you are a guy or hate any discussion on breastfeeding, this post is not for you.

My dilemma: to take Damaris to Orlando or not to. OK, some of you may be sitting there already wondering how this would be a difficult choice. At the beginning, before she was even born, I knew that I would have to take her since I chose to breastfeed for the first year. So for months now I have been planning and figuring out how we could make this work since I didn’t have a choice. But as the months have progressed and our freezer has become packed with extra milk (I have almost 200 oz!!!), Stephen has been pushing for me to leave her here. And he has valid points. But I am so torn.

If I take Damaris, I have the stress of taking care of a baby in the midst of travel and working all day at registration for the conference. Yes, she is a good baby, but she is still just that – a baby…and one that throws up all the time. There is a lot more to pack and haul around. On the other hand, it is much easier to discretely nurse than find a place to pump. The day of registration is an incredibly long, stressful day, with little time to even go to the bathroom. I need to think about her being able to nap and play and not get bored while we are working.

If I don’t take her, it would be SO much easier at the conference, not to mention traveling and packing. It would be great for Stephen and I to have some time away, because that is very hard to come by – especially since this is ORLANDO and everything is paid for. But I have the hassle of finding places to pump – and the first two days with travel and then working it will be next to impossible to consistently pump. And then there is the conservative side of me that just cringes at all that wasted milk that will just have to be thrown down the drain while we are there. Plus I was really looking forward to NOT having to pump for a while, and having more time with the kids.

So, this seems like an easy choice, right? I think what is hardest for me is that if I leave her, I feel like I am being a bad mother – and I feel like as a mother I have no choice but to be selfless, so this would be going against the very nature of parenting. She is little and I worry about how she will do if I am away. She doesn’t do as well with people she isn’t as familiar with. And what if she won’t nurse when I get back? Maybe a lot of it is the bond I have with her that comes from her complete dependence on me. I haven’t been away from her for more than 24 hours. I love her so much and will miss her terribly. And it is not that I don’t love Titus or won’t miss him – because I do, and I will. It is just that he has been away from us before and he is older and understands - I haven't had that break from her yet. But as Stephen points out, she will never remember that I was away for 5 days. She is not going to suffer emotional trauma.

And after weighing all the options, I am leaning towards leaving her…but I still just don’t know.