I have been formulating a post in my head for a week now after attending a workshop we had at work last week Monday and Tuesday. The reason I chose these six words (I know, I cheated using the "&" symbol...) is because I really feel like there were so many chains I placed on myself growing up - chains of perfection, legalism, poor self-worth, conformity, and more. I have lived my life trying to please others and denying the gifts/talents/abilities God has given me for so long...and in the process I have imprisoned myself, and lost myself along the way.
I have measured my self-worth according to other people, which has only left me feeling discouraged...because my weaknesses never will be able to compete with others' strengths.
My legalism has only put unfair expectations on people, and only when I have failed, have I seen the true picture of right and wrong, justice and mercy...and more importantly, forgiveness - not just by God, but by myself. I am still learning that it is not until I have forgiven myself that I can truly know God's forgiveness, peace, and freedom...and sometimes I need to just step out in faith (not allow Satan to bring to mind things in my past) and move forward, instead of allowing myself to wallow in self-pity and "pushment" of myself (since aparently Jesus dying on the cross wasn't punishment enough ;) ).
I don't understand it, but by shutting myself out and looking to others for confirmation of who I am, of trying so hard to please others, I have actually become so self-focused and selfish.
An administrator in our office said that she used to tell her daughter daily that her shyness was just an excuse for selfishness - focusing on how YOU feel instead of how OTHERS feel. This was so profound to me...another chain I am trying to break free from.
The workshop I went to last week was on life calling...and this is something I have always struggled with: not really knowing what my life purpose is...what my calling or vision is as a human being. And I walked away not knowing any more about my life purpose, but having a clearer perspective and healthy understanding of what it is that God has called me to - salvation, holiness, and service.
I walked away with the fact that my job does not have to equal my life calling. For all you high schoolers or college students out there, what you chose as a major in college, or even what vocation you end up in, does not necessarily mean that is IT - you have chosen your entire life calling, and now you are stuck with it. You can have a job on the side and really come to life outside the job - fulfilling your passions and dreams, and the oportunities for ministry that God will place in your life.
I walked away with the fact that I really do enjoy my job and enjoy working, and there is nothing wrong with that. I actually realized that, for now, my job (well, 80% of it :) ) is what I am passionate about, it is what I truly feel God has gifted me for at this season in my life. I love my kids and would prefer to be home more, but I should not feel guilty enjoying my job.
The fact that just because Stephen's calling is to be a pastor, does not mean it is mine. (some of you may argue about that one, but I am OK with that :) ).
The fact that it is OK to be different...it is OK to stand out...it is OK to be MYSELF. Confrontation and disagreement is a part of life, and I can't try to hide in the corners trying my best to avoid it. I don't have to fit into the molds this word tries to stuff us into.
The fact that maybe "life calling" is too strong of a term...because God uses so many different circumstances in our life to guide us through so many different seasons - whether it is leaving the pastorate to teach, or leaving teaching to pastor...or whatever changes (not just job) might come your way. It doesn't necesarily mean you were not "in the will of God" before you made the switch...maybe it just means that God used that part of your life to prepare you for the next step, or maybe for something years down the road that you can't even imagine yet. Life calling may not literally be "life", but maybe "season" calling :)
I learned that my life calling does not revolve around the church - but God. Do I want to spend more time volunteering or being a part of ministries in the church because I truly have a passion for that ministry, or because it will look better for me as a pastor's wife??? Do I feel guilty saying no to things because God wants me in that ministry and I am being disobedient, or because I am afraid of what people will say about "that pastor's wife"???
I learned that there are so many gifts, talents, and personalities that God has uniquely gifted each one of us with, and I cannot continually compare myself or even look longingly at others who are created and gifted differently than myself. I need to celebrate the person God has made me to be, and not shy away from that (literally!!!). I should never have to apologize for the person God has made me to be, yet never use myself as an excuse for poor decisions (e.g. being an introvert is not an excuse for me to be shy) or sinful living.
So, I have all these things I have learned...and now the hard part...breaking the almost 28 years of layering chains on myself so that I can truly be free and learn to fly!
"I don't want to come to the end of my life and find that I only impersonated myself."
- Parker Palmer
4 comments:
Michelle -- You've put a lot of yourself out there on this post in particular, and it really struck a chord with me. I am afraid sometimes that the real me is...dumb. It's something I'm working on -- being so conscious of what others are thinking about me.
Michelle I commend you for this post. You said it all so well and really made me think about myself and the things that I need to work on. Like for one, I wish that I could be as open as you to be able to write a post like this. Thank you for sharing and helping me grow.
WOW! I really enjoyed reading that! :-)
Michelle--thank you for sharing what you are learning and believe...I agree and am trying to figure out much of what you've just said myself. God bless.
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