Ever feel like you have so much to say but no idea how to make any sort of sense for it to actually come out of your mouth? So you say nothing? I feel like that is me all day every day...
As for verbalizing personal thoughts/feelings...I feel like I am a very open person and will talk about anything in my past. Even though there has been a lot of pain and falling on my face, I don’t mind sharing and don’t feel like I have to hide things.
However, I also have come to realize that I don’t just volunteer information about myself. If someone wants to know something about me – especially something intimate/personal, I need to know that they care to listen and hear my heart in it. And quite honestly, I don’t even think to talk about myself. On the other hand, if there is something brought up in a conversation that is relevant to something personal in my life, if I feel I can share, I do. But I DEFINITELY prefer really small groups, like 2-3 people...much more than 5-6 people and good luck getting me to talk – especially to really share my heart.
But since I am more of an introvert and more of an internal thinker, talking is hard for me. So I have many times been accused of being cold, unapproachable, insensitive, stuck up, etc. These really hurt, because I feel so misunderstood. I may not be overly emotional, and I know that I definitely have my faults (who doesn't?!?), but to those who know my heart and truly know me, I do not think they would describe me with these words.
Because that’s not my heart.
The people that truly know my heart are people that have continually poured into me and genuinely cared to get to know me, and I care about them and genuinely care to know their heart too. I only have a couple people like that, and I cherish my relationship with them.
But maybe that is the point. If I don’t initiate conversation...if I am not vulnerable with other people around me...if I am not willing to get to know their heart...well, no wonder I have so few people in my life that I am super close to.
Because someone has to be first. And I can’t always wait for the other person to start. Some days I just don't have the emotional energy to really work at this. But most days I use this as an excuse to stay in my comfort zone.
Why do I feel like I so desperately have to protect my heart? Why do I feel like I have to keep these walls up and guard myself? I am not in junior high or high school anymore. And I can choose...I don’t have to be vulnerable with people that hurt me. I have God and the couple people that truly “get” me...so what does it matter what other people think? What does it matter what other people say or do to me? What does it matter if people aren't willing to love and accept me for ME - faults and everything???
It doesn’t.
I want to live free in 2012. I want to continue to break down these walls that are so firmly in place. I want to risk...even though I am dead scared to do so.
5 years ago
5 comments:
I think extroverts (like me) can take for granted how easily we interact with others. Something that might be a different approach would be to check your facial expressions while people are talking to you. That can help to give a warm, open feeling even without opening your mouth.
I know you're not stuck up. Maybe reserved is the best word, since you protect yourself by holding apart.
Anyway, just my thoughts.
I can relate to a lot of this Michelle, even though everyone thinks I am an extrovert. I am not. I have a really, really hard time making and keeping friends. A lot of people think I am a snob because they assume I'm an extrovert, but I am really just shy and insecure in big groups.
It is great that you are going to try to approach life from a new angle this year. I hope it will bring you happiness and a couple of new, good friends.
oh boy, i can definitely relate. and i think being a pastor's wife makes it that much more difficult. you have certain 'expectations' that are put on you by other people, and it's scary to not meet up to those expectations.
the older i get, the more i realize i'm definitely not an extrovert, although sometimes i have to play the part (which is exhausting).
i think you should move here so we can be friends. :)
also, i tagged you in my last blog post, if you want to play along.
I love reading your blog. I think you are sweet and you have made me feel like a million dollars each time you have talked to me. And I think it's because of the questions you ask. They are intentional. They feel that way anyhow. :-) You also read my blog and no one really reads my blog. Lol. You may be "quiet" in groups, but I think you have a strength and peace that is irresistable.
I will be praying for you this year as you tackle any walls and insecurities you have but just know that you're pretty awesome just as you are-- faults and all.
What's cool about your post is that your dialoguing about two different things: Your introverted personality and the challenges of loving and letting people in.
They're not synonomous although it may sometimes feel like it. The fact that you draw energy from smaller groups and like time to observe and reflect are actually pretty amazing strengths. They make people feel special.
Love you!
Good for you Michelle!! I think we all feel to need to protect ourselves from hurt but we can also miss out on so many wonderful relationships. You have so many awesome qualities and wisdom to share, so go share it!! By the way, Thank you so much for the card that you sent when my Dad passed. It mean the world to know you cared!!
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