A Long Forgotten Post

This is a post I wrote for this blog SIX years ago. I happened upon it because I never published it, and was looking at my drafts. It is a bit negative, because it is me "venting" but I really felt like I needed to publish it now.  So I will remember.

And it is for all you moms of young children, and especially for you moms that work outside the home! And, a shout out to my fellow pastor's wives...you will definitely relate to some of this!!! :)


Being on this side of it, six years later, I want to tell you that YOU WILL MAKE IT. 

9.17.07
I guess I go through these cycles of trying to act strong for so long and then it gets to the point where I just need to "dump", feel better, and then be strong again :) Maybe I should just be more real all the time, but I am not sure how to do that...my survival mode kicks in pretty hard.

Having one child and working - hard. Having two children and working - crazy hard. Having two children, working, and trying to be a "good" pastor's wife - borderline lunacy. Having a supportive, helpful husband - priceless!!!!

My head is constantly spinning and trying to stay on top of things - I am a detail person, so if I forget or neglect a detail, I get super stressed. I have to time everything down to the minute just to get myself and the kids ready to be out the door on time for church on Sunday mornings for 8:30 praise team practice. I have a specific routine to get the kids bathed and in bed - which takes about an hour to an hour and a half each night. I have to leave at 7 AM to get the kids to the sitter and to work by 7:30. I pack a lunch, eat at my desk and take my "lunch" to pick up the kids from the sitter at 2 and then head back to work until 5 while Stephen has them. Work is stressful and takes a lot of mental energy. We try to pack all our errands into one outing per week. I have to exercise 3 times a week for the wellness plan at IWU, which has been easy since the weather is nice, but I am already panicking with cooler weather on the way. Oh, and I am nursing Damaris for her first year - crazy, but I feel like it is the only thing I can do for her right now since I am not around a lot. Once the kids are in bed around 8 or 8:30 I crash. My mind is mush from all day and I normally roll into bed by 9:30, too exhausted to stay up any longer.

Oh, and did I not mention anything about church?? I lead songs which I am not good at and not comfortable with. This means me getting to church an hour early in the mornings, and sometimes an hour early for evening service. We get together for a couple hours every other month to plan our songs out for the next couple months. I sing on the praise team when I am not leading. I sing special music, sometimes with a couple other ladies at the church, but mostly with Stephen. I am the Wesleyan Women Treasurer. I take my kids to evening service and try to keep both of them quiet and happy in the back pew - no nursery. We have monthly movie nights and campfire get-togethers. We started a young adults/20's class that is slowly growing and requires more time. I go to as much as I can when the "doors are open" at church. I finally said "no" to women's Bible studies and prayer group. My counselor (yes, for my own sanity I have been going to counseling - and I would highly recommend everyone going to a good Christian counselor, even if you don't think you need one!) made me realize now to prioritize that one - their salvation does not depend on me being at these meetings. If I ever feel more pressure to be at something (mind you, it is generally myself putting that pressure on) I need to check the "salvation scale" and put things into perspective. I wish I could be involved in other ministries, but I can't with everything else.

And what about family time?!? Not great, but getting better now that Stephen and I are actually scheduling date nights, and trying to schedule times when we are home (the 4 of us) as a family. As for extended family (sisters, brothers, parents) we are TERRIBLE about calling - mainly because I just don't think of it (how bad is that?!?) and another main reason is because we are not always at home at the same time. A lot of family in Michigan, and with Stephen working on Sundays, it makes it hard to go see them. Definitely failing in that area.

What about time with friends? Nope, really failing there. I missing getting together with friends. We haven't had some of our friends over in MONTHS.

Oh, and I never said anything about cooking, cleaning, getting groceries, etc.

I am not wonder woman - I am crazy!!!!!!!

I am not saying all of this for you to feel sorry for me, but to sense my frustration with life right now. We need health insurance, so I have to work. I don't think I could be home 24-7 with my kids (does that make me a bad mother??) so I have to work for ME. But my ideal world would be to have 20 hours of work a week - but definitely not going to happen...especially with some of the life choices we have made. We LOVE our camper, but it is still a monthly commitment. College was a commitment we both made years ago, but it is still a monthly commitment to our finances :) With moving away from IWU, I can't walk to work anymore, which means a second vehicle - another monthly commitment. So I understand that some of our stress is our own fault.

If my routine has to change I start to panic...I have to re-think through a new plan to make sure things run smoothly. I stress out...if I don't have a plan in place, chaos will reign - or so my brain tells me. I think some people just deal with things so much better than me. Like Stephen - he hardly gets stressed at all. And I wonder, WHAT AM I DOING WRONG??? How can I let go and just relax??

Am I a control freak or what?!? I am wondering if I am forced into this role with the life style we have chosen. And I really do enjoy my life for the most part...when I get home from a long stressful day at work, and am able to spend time with my husband and kids - those are the times that I try to tuck away in my mind and pull out when I get frustrated and just want to quit.