Life has been really hard lately...one blow after another, and yet the blows keep coming while we are still down on the ground waving our white flag. I can't remember a time that I have been this stressed for this long, and it has been years since I have dealt this this much difficulty all at once. Separately they are big things, but manageable...but all together, it feels like we are getting run over by a train.
I have tried to figure out when this downhill disaster started, and the best I can figure is when our good friend Jim died Christmas Eve. We still get tears thinking about that loss, and I am not sure my heart will ever stop aching.
Then in February I hit a piece of wood in the road and suffered a complete loss with my car. Even though God blew us out of the water with how He provided us a new car, it still was a big issue we had to face and deal with.
Since then, on top of dealing with my thyroid, we have had family issues, work issues, health issues, financial issues, friends that are going through some really hard times, Titus getting sick for over a week and losing 10% of his body weight, my laptop broke, our printer broke, our faucet and toilet both broke in our camper, and my camera broke (thankfully under warranty).
Then, since the beginning of May, we have been dealing with the biggest/most painful church issue(s) we have faced in 14 years of ministry. It is exhausting...emotionally and mentally and spiritually...and it is not even over yet. My heart just hurts on so many levels. We feel called to Crystal, and we love our church...so for now we wade through the pain and hope we come out stronger on the other side. I hope that someday I can share more about this.
Memorial Weekend our truck went down and even after pouring a ton of money into it, we are still having major issues, and Stephen can't really drive it.
Also since that weekend, our dog, who is more like a family member to us, has been very sick. We thought we would have to put her down this past Monday, but thankfully the steroid they put her on is helping. But the truth is, her kidneys are failing and so this steroid might be just a temporary fix...so we are on an emotional roller coaster and we have to take it day by day, which includes providing around the clock (getting up in the middle of the night) care for her right now. Eva is not even 5 years old yet.
Plus there are other issues/stresses that I can't share, and other issues that I am simply forgetting in the midst of everything else.
So right now, if you ask me how I am, don't be surprised when I say that I am just "OK"...because the truth is, I am not doing good. I am depressed and discouraged. I can't eat, and I can't sleep. I have this horrible "weight" and feel like I can't breathe. It's hard to keep my head up to even function...I am numb but somehow keep going...one step at a time, because it's all I can manage.
And don't be surprised if I have a fake smile plastered to my face, because sometimes it is easier to smile than to explain your sadness and hurt to every person that asks how you are doing in casual conversation.
I am not writing all of this to complain...I am not writing all of this to make you feel sorry for us...I am not writing all of this to minimize your situation (I know there are others going through even harder, more painful stuff than this!!). I do understand that I have a lot to be grateful for - and I am. And I get that life sometimes throws you some crazy stuff and sometimes you just have to wait it out. I get that.
I write all of this because I wanted to document how I am feeling in the midst of all these hardships...so that later, when we look back, we will be able to say, "Look how God provided for us!" Because I know when we get through to the other side, we will see His love and power that brought us through...because He cares, and because He is faithful and because He never said life would be easy...but His grace is sufficient for what we are going through!
John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
2 Corinthians 12:9
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
1 comment:
Praying for you!!!
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