Letting Go

Letting go can bring such a sense of freedom!  But on the other hand, letting go can be hard and bring a sense of loss and disappointment.  Because let's face it...we can hold pretty tight to some "stuff" in our lives.  And anyone else besides me secretly hopes our surrender is going to be like Abraham in the whole sacrificing Isaac situation?!?  You know, "OK, God, I surrender this to you" and then God says, "Great, Michelle!  I just wanted to make sure you were willing.  You can go ahead and keep your stuff."

Sometimes God calls us to let go of something physical in our life - people, jobs, money, possessions.  The biggest one in my life right now is that tonight we said goodbye to our camper.  It was a really hard decision, but I know it was the right one because of how everything fell into place.  But it is still a loss - we handpicked it out, and it had everything we wanted in a camper to last us until the kids graduated from high school.  We bought it just a few days after Damaris was born, and have spent the last 7 years enjoying it and making memories.  It was one of the few things that was consistent in our lives and felt like "home" to us...which I didn't realize until now, but makes sense for those of you that know what it's like in the life of a pastor.  Plus I grew up camping - it's a huge part of my past, and has been something our kids have enjoyed, too.  Even though we still have a tent, I feel like a part of me, a part of who made me who I am today, is gone.

I like simplicity.  I like "stuff" gone out of my life.  I like the thought of being debt-free.  Good grief, I even patted myself on the back thinking of how easy it would be to get rid of "stuff".  But it is WAY harder than I imagined...because it is one thing to say, "God, I give this to you.  I surrender it.  I trust You..." and another thing when our surrender meets the reality of everyday life.  I am going to miss our camper - terribly.

Sometimes God asks me to let go of something emotional.  I have had to let go of bitterness - years of bitterness in a certain situation, so it is easy to pick that one back up, and so sometimes that is a daily surrender!  There is such a joy and peace in releasing bitterness - because even though culture tells us that it is all about me and my rights and how I feel...that just brings emptiness, pain, and division.

Another area that God has been working on me in surrendering is spiritual.  Our church is amazing.  It has been life changing to me and I have never felt so alive, and yet challenged, in my faith.  In the last 5 years at our church I have let go (more like God prying my fingers off while I hold on for dear life) of perfectionism and a religious spirit.  That hasn't been easy either.  What has been easy is being judgmental and critical, and I don't want any part of that!  These things are also sometimes a daily surrender, but in this process I find that incredible freedom.  Sometimes we are in bondage and don't even know it...or we do, but we "like" it too much to let go, or maybe it just seems impossible to let go because we don't know any other way...but God is BIGGER than any obstacle we might face.

Sometimes He asks us to let go of an expectation or dream.  Going back to the camper, there is a loss of expectation and dreams...because we had every intention of keeping that camper for our kids' growing up years. And those dreams and expectations are things I have had to let go of.

Another issue of surrender in this area has to do with our church...God isn't saying He WILL take it away, but He is telling us we need to be WILLING to let it go.  We feel called to Crystal...we know without a doubt that is where He wants us still.  But with some of the things that have been going on, it's been hard, and it causes us to reevaluate.  We dreamed of staying here for years and years...and not that it still won't happen, but God is asking us to surrender that dream to Him.  If God's whole purpose was to bring us to Crystal to wade through this trial so the church can come out stronger in the end, then we need to be OK with that.  We want to see people come to Christ, lives transformed, and growth, but God may have a different purpose for our time there...a purpose that might look like failure to the "world"...but God doesn't measure "success" by the world's standards.

And there are lots of other areas where God has been working on my heart...so all this to say, it has been ROUGH these last several months.  It has been an emotional roller coaster.  It has been painful.  It has been exciting.

And I am ready for a break.  Get me off this crazy ride :) :) :)