Processing

This week I go in to find out the results on my blood work for my thyroid...but I have a guess on what the results will say, and I don't think it is going to be good news.  So I am bracing myself while also trying not to borrow trouble.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately.  On my marriage, how I parent, about myself.  These past few months have been incredibly difficult emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  Difficult on our marriage, our kids, and myself.  All of this has effected my thyroid, and I wish I could go back and have a "do over".

Because of the stress, I have found myself dealing with differing levels of anxiety, a road I have no desire to travel.  So I have been reflecting on my life wondering how I can get back on track...wondering what needs to change so that I can take better care of myself, as well as have a stronger relationship with my kids, marriage, friends, family, etc.I want to try to find a healthy balance as I try to figure out this crazy journey called "life".

I have been reading a book called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend‎, which I would HIGHLY recommend every person to read!  I am going to be very vulnerable here, but I want to document my journey as I try to learn and grow.

I thought I was a person who had good boundaries in my life, but after starting to read this book, I have found the opposite to be true!  I DO have boundary problems, and they stem from two major issues.  First, I am too compliant.  As the book states, I minimize my differences with others because I don't want to rock the boat - I like to be a chameleon and not stand out.  I about dropped the book when I was reading this section.  Another issue I have is that I am what is called an "avoidant".  It's "the inability to ask for help, to recognize one's own needs, to let others in...avoidants withdraw when they are in need; they do not ask for the support of others."

Ouch.

All this to say, it has been very challenging to me, and yet overwhelming at the same time.  I want to change, but change is hard and soooo easy to give up on...because let's be real, it is easier to fall back on what is comfortable, and to stay with what comes natural to us...it's the only thing I know!

And right now, all I know is trying to make everyone happy...to not disappoint the people I love. But my sister said something to me that really hit home...she told me that no matter what I do, what choices I make, I will always disappoint someone...even if that someone is myself.  I am kind of tired of constantly disappointing myself for the sake of others.  It's not healthy, and I think it is the root of my anxiety.

I have glossed over my needs and feelings for so long that I don't really know what I want or how I feel. I am slowly recognizing that I need to ask myself how I am feeling instead of what I am thinking.  I have to learn a whole new language, because I hardly know "feeling" words other than basic ones like angry, happy, sad, frustrated, hurt, etc.  So I am working on my vocabulary, and trying to make some sense of my emotions.  It is messy!

I am also trying to think about my needs before saying "yes" or "no" (I feel so guilty and selfish even typing that - yep, I have a long way to go).  I feel like I have come a long way with setting boundaries in this area with most people...but not with those closest to me.  It goes back to that not wanting to disappoint or upset someone, so this is going to be very hard to change.  But by simply thinking before I speak, I process what I want or need before I respond, and that has helped me gain awareness, if nothing else.  But following through, and actually choosing to disappoint or upset others is the hard part.

The hardest area for me to change, though, is going to be to let others know when I need help.  I like that I am strong, independent, solid, dependable, loyal.  I don't like feeling weak and vulnerable and needy.  I hate thinking that I could be an inconvenience to someone else - my problems seem so small, asking for prayer seems so insignificant, etc.  I literally have had a couple different people tell me in the last few months that they appreciate that I am not a needy person.  Yes, there is good in not being needy all the time (that is a whole different boundary issue), but at the same time, we all have needs - and if we can't be there for each other, what good is a one-sided relationship?????  It leaves me feeling alone and isolated when I go through hard times, and that is a horrible feeling.  I have to be able to learn to be open, vulnerable, and yes, needy.

I feel like I am diving off a warm, safe boat in the middle of the cold, dark, endless ocean with no life preserver...because I feel like I am drowning as I think about the changes I need to make in my life.  It's scary because it is unknown, and it is overwhelming because I don't even know where to start.

I feel like a baby taking its first steps. Right now I am taking tiny, unsure steps in the "awareness" realm, and then I need to continue to take more faltering steps toward "action".  I know that I will fall, and I know that it is going to be shaky for a while, but pretty soon I won't just be walking, I will be running.  And instead of drowning in the "ocean" of this life change, I picture myself on the shore...digging my feet into the soft sand, soaking in the warmth of the sun, listening to the peaceful crashing of the waves...and I picture my soul finally being at peace as I sit enjoying the majestic, almost holy experience that God has brought me through...and I think I will be glad I jumped off the boat.