Contentment Lesson #5

The title of this next chapter in "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow is called "Content in Relationships."

This section is about people and how they can hurt us, especially those close to us, and it is painful. She asked 25 women if they had been hurt in the last year by someone they loved, and they all said yes. She then asked them if they had hurt (intentionally or unintentionally) someone else. Again, they all said yes. She then talked about how the USA Today newspaper surveyed adults about what concerned them the most, and the highest percentage was "relationships with loved ones" - 64%!! And I can see how that is true. As Linda pointed out, are you 100% at peace with every relationship in your life?!? No way. We are human. We are not perfect. But we can be content in these relationships in spite of problems and struggles.

Spouse, coworkers, roommates, friends, relatives even strangers can cause us betrayal, heartache, rejection, anger, humiliation. Linda says that Jesus was going through all of these feelings in the Garden of Gethsemane as He knew that He was about to die on a cross and His best friends were sleeping instead of praying, and all left Him in fear when the time came for Him to be arrested. He was fully God and fully man - so I am sure He felt the pain and rejection, the frustration of His disciples failing Him - three times just in that night when He was praying! But do you know what His response was? It wasn't "fine, be that way, I am through with you!" it was "Rise, let us go..." (Matthew 26:46). He practiced what He preached and lived and died for - forgiveness, even in the midst of betrayal.

Linda states the obvious - that when we open ourselves up and invest in relations, we also open ourselves up for pain, hurt, and betrayal. But she also says that many times the reason we are discontent in relationships is because of our expectations in that relationship. Ouch. I know I am guilty there - which is exactly why our first few years of marriage were terrible, as I mentioned in the last contentment post. And I have to remind myself that investing in people and opening up in relationships is not a bad thing - it is worth the risk of betrayal. Because it is very easy for me to sit back to avoid pain, but I am missing out on the countless positives associated with relationships. I am getting better, but by no means am good at investing. I don't really know how to do it, or what that looks like. It is still hard for me to risk.

Anyway, back to the book :) Linda's whole point is that we can't have true contentment in relationships unless we can learn to forgive. She says "unless we [forgive] our anxious heart will not be calmed."

Forgiveness isn't an option - God said that we will not be forgiven unless we forgive (Stephen actually just did a sermon on this last week). Period. If we can't forgive others, who do we think we are, that we deserve God's forgiveness? How arrogant. But I have been there...because it is SO easy to let bitterness consume me. To spread like a poison. To become a prison and hold me bondage - which is the example Linda gave. As she said, forgiveness is the only way to escape from this prison. I really liked the quote she put in from "Growing Strong in the Season of Life" by Charles Swindoll:

"Bitterness seeps into the basement of our lives like run-off from a broken sewer pipe. Every form of ugliness begins to float to the surface of those murky waters: prejudice and profanity, suspicion and hate, cruelty and cynicism. There is no torment like the inner torment of bitterness, which is the by-product of an unforgiving spirit. It refuses to be soothed, it refuses to be healed, it refuses to forget. There is no prison more damaging than the bars of bitterness that will not let the battle end."

And how much or how many times must I forgive? Jesus tells us in the Bible that we basically need to forgive however many times it takes. As Stephen said in his sermon last week, we aren't agreeing to the wrong by forgiving over and over...we are simply saying that we chose to forgive - to obey God.

If we don't forgive, as Linda puts it, we "become a victim of torture - meaning intense inner torment. The root of bitterness will literally me alive. I will become walled in a concentration camp of my own making."

And yet it seems kind of backwards - you know, to my logical brain. If someone hurts me, how do I become a victim of torture. How to I become a prisoner? They are the ones that wronged me!!! But it is true - because I have been bitter. And it is a prison.

And God doesn't say to forgive only when I have wronged someone - He wants us to forgive when WE have been wronged. But again I start arguing with myself - but shouldn't THEY ask for MY forgiveness? They are the ones that wronged ME!! But that's not God's heart. He forgave us - DIED for us, WHILE WE WERE STILL SINNERS. Our forgiveness is already waiting...we just have to humble ourselves and ask Him for it. We need to also forgive those who have wronged us, even when they don't know they have wronged us, or haven't asked for our forgiveness.

Linda said that Philip Yancey (author) called forgiveness an "unnatural act" and I agree with Linda: "He's right. It does feel unnatural. However, forgiveness is not a feeling but a secret choice of the heart." A choice to forgive and keep forgiving every time it comes to your mind, every time you feel bitterness creeping in, every time you don't feel like you want to forgive or have forgiven the offense.

I just have to quote Linda again: "Many times the vibrations of an interpersonal conflict echo for weeks, months, even years. It's difficult enough to forgive once, but continue to forgive when the hurt just keeps on coming [in her case, finding out her conflict with her friend had been spread to others in her church]? And yet, this is what Jesus asks of me and you. In fact, He asks even more."

Going beyond forgiveness is by far the hardest part.

Romans 12:9-10, 14, 18 says: Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves...Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse...If at all possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

We have to go beyond forgiveness and choose to love, and honor, and bless that person. Be at complete peace with that person. And you probably won't feel like it, but we have to choose to do it in spite of our feelings - because as Linda says "My choices [have] nothing whatever to do with my feelings."

Once again I need to quote Linda about a hurt she experienced, and her thoughts afterward: "I have experienced more release in my spirit in trusting God to allow me to go through any humiliation - accepting it from Him. If He thinks it is good, then I accept it. There is such a freedom in acceptance. The Word of God has been my daily delight. Not a day has passed that I have not been encouraged, challenged, comforted, or rebuked by it. I have been humbled before God. I thought I was doing well in putting a watch over my mouth. I have so much more to learn. I would walk this way again to learn what I have learned."

That seems really hard to me.

We can't control or make choices for other people, but we CAN trust God and control our actions and thoughts. And if we can seek peace in relationships, it will bring contentment into our relationships.