Beauty from Ashes

There is pain in the fire...but beauty CAN come from ashes. When we have nothing left of ourselves to give, no traces of our old self - our pride, selfishness, bitterness, etc - that is when God can truly transform us into something magnificent and breathtaking.

These last several weeks of my journey have been painful - even seemingly hopeless at times - but in the midst of me trying to set boundaries, learning to let people in, and trudging through my emotions, there has been beauty in the midst of the mess.

I have gained a very close friend who goes to our church.  She contacts me several times a week and prays for me and asks me the tough questions, and I do the same.  This has been a blessing, and something I have desperately needed.  I still have great community with others in our small group and church, but this is deeper than that.  Part of the Boundaries book I have been reading talks about how we need a good support system made up of several close friends - because healthy friendships still need boundaries - and if I only have one or two close friends, that person might not be available when I need them, so I need to have others I can turn to.

I have also done a lot of soul-searching and discovering why I react the way I do in certain situations.  Some things are areas I need to work on, others are areas I need to address with friends or family in order to let them know how I am feeling.  I can't change other people, but I still need to be honest and upfront with how their choices effect me and how it makes me feel.

Forgiveness has been a new path - when I am upset and feel wronged, I am learning to let go of my sense of justice and see my part in the argument.  All these years Stephen has been the one that has been quick to say "sorry" in our relationship...and even though it was hard at first, and it still is hard now, I am learning to step back and take ownership of my wrong in the situation, no matter how big or how small.  Even if I feel that Stephen should be the one apologizing to me and not the other way around.  This has been very freeing and life-giving to me.

It is hard when I see so much in front of me that I need or want to change - so it is a constant "two steps forward one step back" mentality where I have to show myself a lot of grace.  My sister encourages me and reminds me that I can't do everything at once, and I need to rejoice in the small victories - because they ARE happening!

So I know some of this is pretty vague, but I just wanted to continue to document my journey so far.  It has been messy, and ugly, and frustrating...but slowly I am seeing the beauty!